Boarding the Blame Train

We’ve all seen Lindsay Lohan’s and Miley Cyrus’ antics (and in Lohan’s case, her lady parts) splashed across the media over the years. Understandably, most of us agree the girls are one step away from climbing onboard the Charlie Sheen train. But what really aggravates many is how their parents have long placed the blame for their indescretions on those around them.

Billy Ray Cyrus, for instance, condemned The Disney Channel and Hannah Montana for his family’s destruction last month in GQ. On Good Morning America, Dina Lohan insisted Lindsay’s recent jewelry heist was “a simple misunderstanding.” Really, Dina? You haven’t seen a pattern develop after she stole another chick’s mink coat? Or that “misunderstanding” with the $400,000 necklace from an Elle magazine photo shoot?

It’s understandable to a point. We as parents love our children and want to do everything we can to safeguard them. But many times, we, myself included, refuse to let our kids fail once in a while – maybe as a way to protect them or maybe just to protect ourselves from the judgmental eyes of others.

“Some parents begin a pattern in early childhood of doing too much for their children and over-directing their activities,” said Dr. Becky Brittain of The Mothering Coach in St. Louis via email.

“I have seen parents who dress their toddlers, rather than taking the time to teach the child how to dress themselves. They may say, ‘It’s easier and faster if I dress her myself.’ But unfortunately, the child doesn’t learn to do things on their own, which can turn into ‘learned helplessness.’ This can continue right through adolescence.”

In fact, noted Dr. Brittain, the children who are most responsible are those whose parents give them the ability to make choices at an early age.

Putting your foot down now

Already at four years old, my daughter, MJ, has mastered the “it’s not fairrrrr” and “she made me do it” battle cries. As a mom, I face that weird middle ground between being sympathetic and telling her to get over herself. Or I could be like my dad who said after I got in trouble in junior high for throwing snowballs I didn’t throw, “Take the punishment. The school should punish you for hanging out with dumba***s who can't follow the rules.”

According to Dr. Brittain, nipping the blame game in the bud while kids are toddlers is essential for ensuring responsible teens down the road. Her recommendations are to teach kids that all behaviors have consequences and to stay consistent with punishments.

“The daily practices of reinforcing behavior and talking with your children about what they are doing needs to begin when they are very young and the stakes are small. That is much more effective than waiting until they are older and trying to change them when larger problems arise.”

Parents with older children should reinforce the message that each person is responsible for his or her own actions. Said Dr. Brittain, “If the child or teen is experiencing a consequence at school that they think is unfair, the parent can listen and assess the situation, but the parent is not responsible to rescue the child from the consequence.

"It’s productive to talk about the child’s feelings and help him or her analyze the situation – ‘Why do you think the school is suspending you?’ This helps them better anticipate the possible consequences in the future.”

On The Dave Glover Show on KFTK this week, Glover made a point I agree with. To paraphrase Glover, we’ll forgive Charlie Sheen for his drug use and porn star “goddesses,” much as we forgave Robert Downey Jr. for his wild ride through life. But what will be harder for us to forgive are his gloats on his tiger-blood-fueled superiority and his rants where he throws the blame at everyone but himself.

That’s why I’m trying to be better about giving my daughter the wonderful opportunity of faltering once in a while. So that maybe 15 years from now you won’t see me on Good Morning America or in GQ blaming MJ’s arrest for lewd conduct on the paparazzi.

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting