Is There a Quick Fix for Shyness

Back in my advertising days, the company I worked for forced us to take the Myers-Briggs personality test.

When the results were tallied, we were instructed on how to use the information to communicate more efficiently with one another. The extroverts were basically taught how to handle us introverts with kid gloves. The introverts, on the other hand, were provided with zero instruction on how to deal with extroverts – which pretty much told us that as introspective folks we were weird freaks of nature that needed to be put in a cage and studied by our louder counterparts.

Like 10-30 percent of the population, my husband and I are introverted (though extremely loud and obnoxious once you get to know us), so it’s no surprise our 18-month-old is on the shy side. In new situations, KT stands back, observes the room, and scopes out a friendly face before introducing herself – or running off to hide in the closet.

Unfortunately, people always have something to say about her quietness – they compare her personality to that of her gregarious older sister (“Oh, KT doesn’t need to talk since her sister does it for her!”) or even better, provide unsolicited advice to “cure” her (“Oh, just throw her in the room with the other kids and run out. She’ll be fine!” Um, no, I have nursery workers at church who will tell you differently).

I’ve been torn – I don’t want KT’s reserved nature to hold her back, but at the same time, I want to respect her unique, beautiful personality trait.

Three cheers for introversion!

Many experts believe as long as introversion doesn’t overwhelm one’s life or lead to low self-esteem or self-worth, being reserved can be a good thing, and not only for those brooding, sexy artist types ala Michael Fitzsimmons in Peggy Sue Got Married.

Because of the introvert’s tendency to be more analytical, detail-oriented and better listeners, studies find that quiet types may actually be better business leaders. Although 60% of top executives display high levels of extroversion, a study from the Harvard Business School this fall found that extroverted bosses can actually be a liability to productivity if leading fellow extroverts. In fact, the report noted that “Introverted leaders are more likely to listen to, process, and implement the ideas of an eager team.”

While introversion should be celebrated for many reasons, a reserved child is often left to sit on the sidelines. Many parents are naturally worried about their kids fitting in and fail to understand that introversion and its most frequent sidekick, shyness, are innate traits from birth.

Said child development expert Dr. Sophia Pierroutsakos (www.drsophiap.com) via email, “Some basic roots of personality seem to appear very early and are tied to how physical, sensory systems are wired -- how easily stimulated and/or overstimulated are they, and how our bodies tend to physically react. When we acknowledge this very powerful, inborn genetic component, we see that, in some ways, telling the super shy kids to knock it off is like telling a child to turn their brown eyes blue.”

Parents often do one of two things to help their child “fix” her shyness. First, many parents simply throw a child into a social situation as if they were pushing her off the high dive to teach her to swim. Not surprising, the child can become quickly overwhelmed, and just as if she was in a pool, get swept up into a panic.

On the other hand, according to Pierroutsakos, “It is also not a good idea to shield the child from appropriate opportunities to learn – slowly, gradually, safely – to develop coping skills and to test out the boundaries of what they can handle. Just because there is a genetic component doesn’t mean there aren’t lots of opportunities to shape and encourage that personality to grow in healthy, adaptive ways that allow a child to get the most of their own life and not suffer in everyday situations.”

Pierroutsakos provided a few easy tips for helping your child break out of his shell.

1. If it’s a social occasion, like a holiday get-together, arrive a little early so the child can get used to his or her environment and greet people one by one as they enter.
2. Have your child become engaged in an activity, such as setting the table, to be both in the middle of this action and distracted from the intense meet-and-greet.
3. Don’t force your child to say hi to everyone, and don’t point out to everyone “he is shy.”
4. Anticipate highly stressful events and plan ahead of them. If the child is old enough, work with him to create some solutions for those moments in which he may feel overwhelmed.
5. If you experienced shyness in your life, share your anecdotes with your child.

But above all, parents must help the child adapt slowly so he can build his confidence and develop his own coping strategies while at the same time, understand introversion has its benefits.

 “Every kid is different, but kids who are shyer are often sensitive to that in others,” said Pierroutsakos. “They might be more contemplative, taking time to think things through before leaping in.  And often, once they get a chance to warm up to something safely and in their own time, they can be just as engaging as other kids.”

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting