Keeping up with the Gaineses – And Failing Miserably

There’s no cuter couple in the remodeling world than HGTV’s reigning king and queen, Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper.

Each week, from their adorable renovated farmhouse, surrounded by four perfect children and a flock of chickens, the owners of Magnolia Homes design stunning transformations that turn the downtrodden houses of Waco, Texas into the most beautiful homes on the block, all while they playfully bicker and flirt.

As one-half of a couple who has rehabbed an 80-year-old house in the city and recently renovated two bathrooms in our current suburban homestead, I can tell you, as much as I love the Gaineses, Chip and Joanna are full of crap.

Remodeling with your spouse isn’t as happy-go-lucky as it seems on TV. There’s blood and sweat and lots and lots of tears. In fact, let me compare what you see on your TV screen every week to the true reality of the remodeling experience.

The Gaineses: Chip has all ten fingers.

The Reality: Your husband will slice off part of his thumb with a table saw and accidentally leave it on the floor where your mother-in-law finds it. Together, you’ll spend six hours in the Barnes-Jewish ER waiting room where it’s so boring, your husband will tell you, “I’d twiddle my thumbs, if I had two thumbs to twiddle.”

And can I add, I’ve never seen Joanna with a bruise from her hip to her knee because Chip insisted she was “strong enough to carry a refrigerator.”

The Gaineses: Joanna’s never been stuck in a bathroom closet by her boobs.

The Reality: When your husband’s a tiling wizard, but the bathroom linen closet is one foot across by four feet deep, you immediately become a flooring expert. For the first time in your life, you’ll lay tile, grout it and clean it.

But then you’ll get stuck in the closet because you could get your rack and linebacker shoulders in, but not get them out. As panic quickly sets in, you’ll construct a smoosh, tilt and swivel maneuver to wiggle your way out – the trauma apparent by the grout-colored handprints on your chest.

The Gaineses: Chip brings the kids to see Joanna during the decorating portion of the project with pizza and cupcakes in hand. The kids will cheerfully collect pears from the backyard for a darling centerpiece. Happiness and love abound.

The Reality: You will stuff your kids with Lunchables at 10 p.m. because you forgot to feed them dinner while you were covered in sawdust and regret. After dinner, they’ll accidentally let the dogs out of the basement so they can wag their tails in your fresh paint job, leaving fur as wall accents before they roll around in a wet drop cloth.

The Gaineses: When Chip tells Joanna their budget is blown, she stays calm and asks where cuts need to be made to control costs.

The Reality: You  will curl up in fetal position when you learn the subfloor has to be pulled up and replaced, the toilet has shattered, and a pipe leak has caused the ceiling downstairs to cave in. “We’re going to have to eat Lunchables until we die!” you’ll scream. Finally, your head will explode, causing your husband to curse up a storm because there’s another mess he’ll have to clean up.

The Gaineses: Joanna makes every room she creates monochromatic Pottery Barn gorgeous with delightful décor she picks up at her local antique store.

The Reality: You will have a full-on anxiety attack by the number of paint swatches your husband brings home. “I just want gray! How am I supposed to choose between Air Pollution and Octogenarian Ear Hair?” You’ll also make 12 different shower curtain returns to Target because you can’t find the one that screams Restoration Hardware cute on a discount store budget.

The Gaineses: Joanna looks stunning on demolition day, with cute boyfriend jeans, dangling earrings and stunning scarf.

The Reality: You will pull up carpet in your 1997 Big Head Todd and the Monsters t-shirt with the cigarette burn holes and your hair covered in paint even though neither one of you has been painting. You’ll rip out the rear of your sweatpants on an exposed nail which you won’t be aware of until you’re at Home Depot getting more grout and the woman behind you in line whispers to you that you have ripped out the rear of your sweatpants.

But when it’s done, even after the battle scars and the blown budget, you’ll both find satisfaction in achieving something on your own. You may not be as glamourous as Chip and Joanna, but by golly, you and your significant other did the rehab work together, and you’re still married and still alive, maybe short a finger, but still alive. There’s really nothing better than sitting on the toilet, gazing around your beautiful, new bathroom, and thinking “We did this.”

Until the toilet paper holder rips off the wall and you decide you will never, ever do this again.

^{Photo courtesy HGTV}