On My 10th Anniversary, Here's What I Want My Kids to Know

Last weekend, the husband and I spent our 10-year wedding anniversary doing something we frequently did before the little Plegges came along – enjoying a weekend music festival and making fun of that drunk girl.

Between making googly eyes at Brandon Flowers and mentally chastising the 20-somethings for some of their fashion choices (Honestly girls – you will never have a better butt than you do at age 21. To take it for granted with your ironic mom-jean shorts makes me weep.), I looked over at my husband and thought, man, I am lucky to have him. And also how ridiculous he would look in a hipster tank top and neon sunglasses.

In honor of our 10-year anniversary, I wanted to share with my own kids a few words of wisdom to follow when picking out a mate. I know, I know, I have no room to talk – 10 years is just a blip in the overall game of life, but by Hollywood standards, we’re celebrating our diamond anniversary, worthy of a surprise potluck and card shower in the church basement.

To my darling daughters:
1. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. Rom-coms have taught us that if we just love someone hard enough, we can change him or her. Uh, no. While exceptions exist, in 99 percent of cases, Brian Krakow is not hiding inside Jordan Catalano.

When I was in college, I dated a model from Great Britain. He was the Derek Zoolander of our U of I apartment building, but more vain and more vapid. Yet, after too many late night viewings of Cruel Intentions, I knew I could turn him into a marrying fellow thanks to my Psychology 101 class and my hypnotic lady parts. In reality, in the few weeks I was with him, he crashed my car, stole my Toad the Wet Sprocket shirt, and inspired me to construct an invisible chastity belt I wore for a long time after.

Unless you have months of your precious life to waste, stay away from a jerk. Let someone else do the dirty work, and if they can change him or her – sweet! Swoop in when they break up. However, if you find a partner with a solid foundation, you can start to chip away at those little things that annoy you. I mean, you don’t see your dad wearing mock Nike turtlenecks anymore, do you?

2. Find someone who knows all the words to the Facts of Life theme song. That mind-blowing passion and desperate lust you experience in the first few months of a relationship – yeah, those will fade. The turning point usually comes the moment one partner has to help the other with an enema before a colonoscopy (Not us of course. That was another set of gross parents that lives in your house).

Therefore, find a mate that you can laugh with, debate with and strike up a conversation with at any time of day. Whether it’s a deep topic like the Affordable Care Act or something really deep like, “Did you ever notice a Butterfinger tastes like an electrical fire?” you need someone who will listen to you and respect your opinions.

Because mark my words – one day you’ll be driving through Arkansas with two screaming children in the backseat, no data connection and a radio that only plays Spanish tunes and right-wing talk shows. If you can’t find some levity in the situation with a little friendly banter about 80’s TV theme songs or treasury bonds, someone is getting pushed out of a minivan going 70 mph.

3. Pick the right relationship to model yours after. Take a look at Robin Thicke and Paula Patton – now that’s a married couple who seems to have it all. Model-looks, money, celebrity – the perfect Hollywood couple. But before you know it, the father of your child is donning a Beetlejuice suit and dry-humping a twerking Disney star on stage, causing every woman in America to puke a little in their mouths.

For real inspiration, look at your great-grandparents. Theirs are simple love stories – no fame, no flash, just melt-your-heart gooey love built on admiration and respect. For instance, one of the top songs on iTunes is “Sweet Lorraine,” a rock ballad by 96-year-old Fred Stobaugh who penned it in memory of his wife and submitted it to a song-writing contest.  Or read about Robert and Nora Viands who were married 71 years and died just hours apart, and Mary “Pink” Mullaney whose obituary, pretty much the coolest ever written, concluded with: "Pink is reunited with her husband and favorite dance and political debate partner, Dr. Gerald L. Mullaney."

At my grandfather’s funeral, the pastor remarked, “The only thing Joe loved more than Rosie was God.” As I went through my life, that line played in my head over and over as I hunted for Mr. Right. I think I found him, and so far, he’s stuck by my side even though I’m usually wearing satin pajama shorts from 1992 and what he refers to as “c**k-blocker” barrettes. He’s one lucky SOB.

You could definitely say I have no room to dole out advice. Our marriage isn’t perfect – we fight and scream and change the channel when the other is watching TV just out of pure meanness. One day soon he may pull a Robin Thicke, and one day I may go all Taylor Swift, annoying the world with my passive-aggressive rants about the man who did me wrong.

But for right now, I would say we’re pretty darn happy and want you, our children, to be well aware that mom and dad love each other very much.