Your Friday Dirty Laundry: Surprise! Parenting Makes Us Tired

Welcome to our weekly feature, Dirty Laundry, in which we sort through the enormous (and colorful) piles of parenting news and gossip so you don't have to. And we're throwing it in the spin cycle along with a little bit of snark and a whole lot of judgment.

New app censors spoilers on social media

You’ve set the DVR for The Voice, headed to your daughter’s tumbling lesson, and spent an hour at the Y fantasizing of the moment you can get home to your couch, box of wine and Adam Levine. You casually open your Facebook account on your phone while you wait, and… “Goddamnit, Grandma!” – she just let the world know which contestant got the boot.

The good news: The new Spoiler Shield app just relased allows you to check your social media accounts without spotting spoilers for your favorite shows – perfect for the parent whose shows are preempted by bathtime and chasing monsters out from under the bed.

One million happy moms and one sad panda

Book clubs around the country breathed a sigh of relief this week when Charlie Hunnam abruptly resigned the role of Christian Grey in the movie version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Mommy porn lovers were in such a tizzy about Hunnam’s casting that thousands of them signed a petition to kick out the actor and replace him with White Collar’s Matt Bomer.

There’s been a number of rumors swirling around Hunnam’s departure – his paltry $125,000 for the role, conflicts with the script, and his busy acting schedule. However, most likely, the mom mafia left a bloody horse head in his bed as a warning.

Although I’m not a Fifty Shades fan, I may be the only mom in the world upset by Hunnam’s departure. I have to say that the women who were so against Hunnam must never have seen a Jax bedroom scene on Sons of Anarchy.

Surprise – parenting is tiring!

A new study of federal data developed by the Pew Research Center verifies what every parent knows – that while time with our kids is more meaningful than our time at work and makes us happier, it’s also bone-tiring, eye-drooping, caffeine-guzzling exhausting. Rarely do our clients and coworkers drain us by using blueberry smoothies as weapons or getting lollipops twisted up in their hair, but they also don’t give us syrup-covered kisses or tell us how much they love us (and if they do, that’s totally inappropriate – go talk to your HR department).

Suzanne Somers gives us moms a little hope

Last week on The Today Show, Miley Cyrus remarked to Matt Lauer, “I heard when you turn 40, things start to go a little less sexual.” I started to get majorly bummed because I totally respect everything word that rolls off that gigantic tongue of hers that can never stay in her mouth. But then Suzanne Somers stepped up and gave all of us exhausted, overscheduled middle-aged moms some hope. On The Talk, the 66-year-old admitted she and her husband of 36 years have sex two to three times a day. So while the sex lives of those with small kids may be a little slow right now, when we hit retirement age, we’ll be channeling Mötley Crüe circa 1987.

The hottest gadget for the helicopter parent

No matter how hard we’ve tried with aluminum foil and a bottle of Elmer’s, we have yet to construct an efficient bubble in which our kids can stay safe from the outside world. However, AT&T has partnered with FiLIP Technologies to offer overbearing parents like me the next best thing – the FiLIP smartwatch for kids. Available this holiday season, the watch connects to the parent’s smartphone and allows mom and dad to communicate with the child and track his or her whereabouts through GPS. Honestly, it’s a great resource for parents who want to stay connected, but not ready to allow their kids access to selfies and Kanye West’s Twitter feed.

How to be a woman, according to Poehler and Fey

The Huffington Post had a great post this week about every mom’s girl crushes and our imaginary best friends – Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, who will together host the Golden Globe Awards in 2014 and 2015. Pulling quotes from interviews and articles, writer Emma Gray uncovered nine lessons that can inspire and lift up women everywhere. From embracing your bossiness (“To me, bossy is not pejorative term at all. It means somebody’s passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn’t mind leading” – Poehler) to being kind to your body (“I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself” – Fey), Gray demonstrates why some of us write NP X Leslie Knope all over our binders.

Take that, Mickey!

This past weekend, the psychological horror film Escape From Tomorrow received a limited theatrical release. The movie, set at Disney World, uncovers what happens to one dad when the happiest place on earth turns out to be a nightmare. Recorded guerrilla style with handheld cameras and digital recorders, Escape was filmed entirely at the resort without Disney’s permission. Disney has not yet come after the filmmakers, but there’s currently a countdown on the movie’s website showing the number of hours since the film release that they haven’t been sued.

While reviews for the film haven’t been great, us parents can’t help but identify with the filmmakers. We’ve all experienced a little Disney terror of our own, especially when we morph into zombies after watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates on repeat and ripping our own ears off after listening to “Make It Stop” from Teen Beach Movie  952 times, excuse me, 953 times.

_{Photos/graphics: Tumblr-thingsonascreen, FiLIP, Huffington Post/Creative Commons}